モカ番外編　ただの心の吐露

モカが、もうすぐ１７歳になります。

気管虚脱を抱えながらも、ずっと元気でいてくれました。でも、弟分のマウイが１５歳で逝ってしまってから、何かが変わりました。マウイのお世話をするという役割がなくなってしまったことも、関係しているのかもしれません。

２か月ほど前、私が日本へ一時帰国している時に、夫から電話がありました。平衡感覚の障害で、モカを大学病院の脳神経内科へ連れて行くというのです。原因はわからないまま、入院ののち、家で様子を見ることになりました。

帰英すると、モカはリビングでダンゴムシのように丸くなって動きませんでした。私のことはわかったようで、尻尾だけが、横にゆれていました。

それからリハビリが始まりました。トリートで釣りながら、一緒に坂道を歩く。美味しいものには目がないモカらしく、これが意外と効きました。少しずつ歩けるようになってきた頃、今度は私が半月板を傷めてしまいました。６週間後に治っていなければ手術です。私が動けないと、モカのリハビリも進みません。

夜、モカは寝たり起きたり、咳をしたり、理由もわからないまま吠え続けることがあります。

初めて赤ちゃんを抱いた頃のことを思い出しました。オムツを替えても、ミルクをあげても泣き止まなくて、どうしたらいいのか途方に暮れた、あの感覚です。

しばらくして、気がつきました。不安なんだ、と。

そっと抱っこしてあげると、モカは安心したように寝息を立て始めます。あの小さなモカが、こんなふうになったんだなあ。その温もりをずっと感じていたくなります。

誰かの力を借りたくて、色々な顔が浮かんでは消えました。みんな遠くにいるか、そこまで親しくない人たちです。母のことは、最初から頭になかった。９０歳、それも地球の反対側。でも、ふと思いました。もし来てもらえたなら、どれだけよかっただろう、と。

モカがいなくなってしまう時、誰に傍にいてもらえばいいのだろう。

今この時間を大切にしよう。それしかないのだと思います。

横で、モカが静かに眠っています。

Mocca – A Side Story: Simply Pouring Out My Heart

Mocca has grown old. He will soon be seventeen. Despite suffering from tracheal collapse for the past two years, he had always managed to stay bright and cheerful. But ever since his little brother Maui passed away at fifteen, something seems to have changed in him. Losing the important role of looking after Maui may have had something to do with it.

This happened about two months ago. I was back in Japan for a short visit when my husband called to say he was taking Mocca to a university hospital with a vestibular disorder. He was seen by a neurologist, but the cause remained unclear. After a brief stay in hospital, we brought him home to rest and recover. He gradually improved and was able to walk again — but when I returned to England, I found him curled up in the living room like a little pill bug, completely still. He seemed to recognise me, though, because only his tail moved, swaying gently from side to side. I could not even cry. My heart simply ached.

From that point on, we worked through rehabilitation day by day. We started by coaxing him up the slope with treats, and it turned out to be surprisingly effective. He has come a long way since. Even so, the steroids in his inhaler for the tracheal collapse continue to weaken his muscles, and some days he is quite unsteady on his feet. He often cannot sleep through the night, and after those nights, the exhaustion catches up with him and sets his progress back. It took me a while to notice the pattern — something I only came to understand through trial and error.

In the middle of all this, I injured my knee — a meniscus tear — and found myself barely able to walk. I am currently attending physiotherapy, but if there is no improvement in six weeks, surgery will be necessary. When I cannot move, Mocca’s rehabilitation cannot move forward either.

At night he sleeps and wakes, coughs, and sometimes barks on and on for no reason I can identify. At first I had no idea why. It reminded me of when I held a newborn baby for the very first time — changing nappies, offering milk, and still the crying would not stop. That same helpless, at-a-loss feeling.

But after a while, I understood. He is anxious.

When I hold him gently, he settles, and soon his quiet breathing tells me he has fallen asleep. This is the little Mocca who has come so far, I think to myself — and I never want to let go of that warmth.

When I desperately wanted someone’s help, faces came to mind one by one, only to fade away. They were all far away, or not quite close enough. My mother never even crossed my mind at first. She is ninety, and on the other side of the world. There was no way she could come. And yet, the thought came to me. How wonderful it would have been, if only she could.

When the time comes for Mocca to leave, who will be there beside me? The tears come, and I cannot stop them.

All I can do is cherish the time we have right now. I think that is the only answer there is.

Mocca is sleeping quietly beside me.

I have written this without quite finding the right words, but this is simply a pouring out of my heart. Thank you for reading. If you would like to leave a warm word of encouragement, it would mean the world to me.